Praying for an End

I feel pretty hypochondriac. Everything was fine until sunday when I went for a run in the evening (didn't die directly after 2 kilometers, was more like 3, yay!). Everything was fine until the bleeding started. This is always one of the scariest parts out of all of this. It sounds weird but you get so used to feel pain all the time that you hardly recognize it when it is there and when it's not. It's just something like a permanent base line to your life. Half a year from now, I would have taken pain killer for this amount of pain and I never took these until I couldn't handle the pain any longer. I really don't understand why some people take pain killer because of their period. That pain feels like nothing to me right now. Horst has really moved my pain scale. 

Well and here we are with the bleeding. Oh and of course Horst. But I guess I'll leave him out in the enumerations of my symptoms in the future, just because he is always there, guess I found my man for the rest of my life, uh. I'm really trying not to freak out but being honest there is no way I'm not going to freak out and overthink things. To me there is no scarier thing in life than your body bleeding for no allegeable reason but the next drive of my IBD. I feel so exhausted, tired and dizzy the whole day, I wish I could sleep until I'm no longer tired. But guess this would mean that I would have to sleep forever. I'm so freaking sick and tired of being sick and tired. Honestly, it sucks. Fortunately, I immediately got an appointment with my GI (my belly doctor) who put me on new medicine, one might call it drugs. So here we go, another 9 weeks of testing, whoop! However, I had to give up my diet, on one hand I felt worse (not sure whether this is related to the diet) and on the other hand I'm not able to eat a lot of things right now, only what I'm really hungry for and this includes things like noodles... bread... etc. So unfortunately, no more 21 day challenge by TCJF.

Just a normal day in the life of an IBD patient.

People tell me to stop being sick and to stop taking so many pills and other kinds of medicine. The thing they don't get is that this isn't my choice. Not at all, certainly.

Seriously, I cannot express how sick I feel right now. I'm still spotting the astonishment in the eyes of people when I tell them how bad it really is after they told me "Well, it can't be that bad". Honestly, I'm going to have an extra post just about things you should NEVER say to someone with an invisible disease.

Furthermore, I'm turning 19 next week and a lot of people ask me for things I wanna have. My one and only wish is to be healthy again. Or at least to have several years of remission. Impossible. So what do I wish for instead? Right, a fancy and colorful transport box for my pills. Oh boy, I guess my life has been changing pretty much lately. Still, I'm turning 19, and goddamn, I'm so thankful for that. Remember, bleeding from the inside without knowing the cause is by far one of the scariest things in life.


Still, I'm not (never ever) going to end a post with negative vibes, so here come the positives vibes, whoop!

#1 I had like the craziest idea, one might consider calling it the typical crackpot idea. I signed up for the annual run for care run. Sounds good, eh? It is to support people with Multiple Sclerosis in the region. The thing is, that run is 9km long. Oh and well, only like 4 weeks to go, it takes place May 23rd. Remember, I feel like collapsing after 2 to 3 km right now. Guess somebody's gotta train, especially because one  person said to me that he doesn't think I can make it. Sure, I'm telling myself the same thing. However, I'm not willing to accept anybody to talk to me about things he thinks I cannot accomplish. Nobody is going to slow me down. At least not a friend. 

#2 I've been to a meeting by the Rotaract Club tonight, which is the youth organization by the Rotary Club (you might know that one). Well, however there was speech held about Freemasons tonight. Just besides the fact that I got rid of a lot of prejudices I had because of several books written by Dan Brown, I learned a really true message tonight: By the end of the day you should answer all the questions you have had that day. Never go to bed with an unanswered question in mind. It is harder with problems as they can't be answered that easily. Therefore you should split them up and solve them in pieces. 

Convenient closing words for tonight's post. Good Night, praying for at least a few moments of sleep tonight. 

Happy Flaring

I wish I could continue my positive vibes from the last post but guess what, I can't. 

Hell yeah - I'm trying. 

Just like everybody else I get really excited coming close to any festivity because of the enormous amount of food, family time oh and no university! And until yesterday, it has been simply amazing. I had a friend from Austria visiting and staying with me last week and we spent a lot of time together sightseeing through Hamburg. I stayed there to have a good time with friends at the Easter bonfire right at the beach, which i definitely had! Unfortunately an autoimmune disease comes with a rather weak immune system which I tend to suppress. However, my body didn't which is why I felt terribly sick since yesterday morning. Yesterday evening then was the night! Easter Barbecue with the family, beautiful weather, and still me being sick. SUCKS! Well and then me being really silly. Eating too much food, food I shouldn't be eating anyway. So coming back to my flat share I had a terrible night of only a tiny amount of sleep, headaches, throat hurting.. (just general cold things, however a cold is nothing so easy and simple to handle with an immune system like mine) and FLARES. I. Hate. It. And as if this wasn't bad enough already, I had something one might call a date today.. I must have looked terrible because this is what i felt like. Wondering if this guy ever will be wanting to see me again.. Just being honest, this is what I hate most about this disease, it brings you down when you're expecting it the least, when it is most important for you to be healthy. Well and it kind of ruined my Easter. Everybody who knows me, knows me as a person with an unconditional love for food. UC really takes a hard hit on that love. Fortunately I came a along this challenge (and if I'm able to work this out, it'd be pretty sweet) https://thecrohnsjourneyfoundation.org/21-day-ibd-challenge/ , so Horst (yes, i named my UC Horst, couldn't think of an uglier name) be ready for that! Just started with a huge amount of tea my best friend gave me when I visited her. And tomorrow I'll be out for a run, at least that's my plan when my body will agree on doing so. 

Always remember to do something for yourself each day.