How to... Fight a Flare?

Ok. So I know a lot of people from the IBD family will disagree with this but I believe you can fight a flare when it is upcoming or in a really early and not so severe state with a lot of things other than medication. Here are some of the things I already discovered to be very helpful, and other things that I hope will work (I'm going to try them anyway, because what do I have to lose, eh?) and tell you about the (hopeful) positive effect they have: 

1) Diet. Well this should certainly not be new to anyone from the IBD family as we even have food that makes us really sick when we are in remission. And it gets worse during a flare. Like a hell worse. If you have been reading this blog for a little while you might know that I didn't manage the 21 Day TCJF Challenge which included no dairy, no gluten and no sugar for 21 days. Well, I'm trying something right now which is pretty close to this. Since Sunday, I'm eating lactose-free and gluten-free. In addition, I try to have it as fluid or with as many fluids as possible, the more fluid it is the less work for my gut, at least that's what I am thinking. And I already felt a difference as I didn't feel as upset after having food as I had before. Eating now takes less energy from me which makes me have more spoons for other things! 

Amaranth-Porridge with Pomegranate, Banana and Flax

Lactose-free Vanilla Yoghurt with Corn Cereals
and homegrown Wood Strawberries 

2.) Relax. Sometimes life rushes by. Well not sometimes, actually that's most of the time. You don't have to make everybody around you stop living but you definitely don't have to pressure yourself into coping with their pace. This is ridiculous and exhausting and most of the time not even worth it -  so take your time, take time out from daily life from time to time and don't go through life, grow through life. You are so strong, even when you're doing everything at snail pace. This brings me to the next point...

3.) Be kind to yourself. Sounds easier than it is, I know. But stressing yourself brings you nowhere. As I said, take a time-out. Treat yourself not only with enough sleep and a nap (you won't have enough of that anyway, will you #spoonieproblems) but with little somethings. Today this was for me to have a bath. It might also be reading a book for an hour even though you have tons of other stuff you have to finish. Do whatever makes you happy and don't care for the others, your journey is not for them, it's only for you. 

4). Still. You should try and be kind to everybody. And I know that this is also hard, but whenever you can and have the energy (and sometimes the balls) just smile and try not to be too depressed around others. It is really hard for friends to cope with us I guess and it is even harder for them when we're always grumpy and simply not a nice person because we are in permanent pain. Still we also should remember to be kind to everybody we meet, as he or she might as well have a medical condition or other problems. I believe everybody does, people are just really good at hiding this. You wanna keep the friends you have (because this disease probably already made you figure out who of them are the right ones) and therefore you should try and be at least sometimes nice to them. Going through a flare is probably so much harder without them, even if they can't physically relieve the symptoms.

5.) Always remember this is going to end one day and that you will be fine whatever happens. Keep your head up and don't let this define you, let it rather to change you for the better, I'm sure you are a strong fighting person, sick or not. Sometimes you might feel all alone, on your own which is mostly when depression hits in very hard. But also remember you are not alone, there are always people who care a lot for you and who love you very much. 

Referring to #2 of that list, I'll Relax. Now. Immediately. I'll be good to myself and have enough sleep this night, at least I'm trying my best, my body needs to do the rest. Goodnight IBD family and all the rest of you xx 

How to Create that Awkward Silence

Ugh. I know. I'm like the worst blogger ever. Like ever ever. I'm so sorry. But guess what - there are several reasons for me being "currently not available" for like a month. 

It actually all started with - good news! - my GI telling me I was back in remission on May 5th. This really put me in a state of confusion in the beginning as I still was in pain and suffered from insomnia, fatigue and nausea. But well - the blood was gone and my test results were ok - and so was I with my GIs assertion. What then came was rather an illusion of a cure and going back to the life I used live than  reality. The thing is life ain't the way you want it to be most of the time. So while my brain put the state of remission equal to the one of a cure, my body didn't feel that way, and basically, pain, insomnia and fatigue were relieved but however just wouldn't go away. And this was actually a tough one for me, because on one hand I couldn't find a way to relate to other people with IBD any longer as I felt sorry for them not being in remission while I was (always remember there are people who have never been in remission). On the other hand, it hit me really hard that I will never get back the life I used to have. Not in remission, and for sure not in a flare. Never. And this is still so hard for me to handle, even thinking of it right now makes me wanna cry. The thing is crying won't make it any better, crying will be bring me nowhere. So I should definitely safe the energy for that. No spoons to be wasted! You might have realized I'm writing about these feelings in the past term. Ya. See the reason is my remission has only lasted for three weeks. But let me come back to this later. 

I want to tell you about the good things that happened to me while I was in remission or what I did accomplish during this time (you might also want to follow my progress on my 20 before 20 list, well I'm going to have a separate post about progress on that). First of all, I turned 19 and had a blast of a party! It was so good, like soo good. Everybody was having fun and even though I had a sudden fit of weeping because I heard about a member of the IBD family passing away the night before, I felt good and lucky to have such amazing friends. They were there for me that night even though they didn't know why I was all of the sudden fighting with tears. And one of them said something which I believe is very important in the future relationships between me and my friends as he said that it was important for him and the others to see this in order to get at least a fraction of what I'm really feeling, not only the strong fighting me in public but the real fighting me, sometimes in need of help by friends. And he was right, I actually needed them to know that this is not all about butterflies, toilettes and some antibiotics. It is a disease that kills people. People I know. 

I managed my 9k run for the MS charity which made me really really proud. And thankful for being able to do so. Just to stay real, I did pay a lot for the training in advance and the race itself. I needed to rest a lot, some days again not being able to get up even though I was in remission. The night of the race a friend of mine also had his birthday party. I went. But I wasn't able to stay as long as I wanted as the pain became more intense again, making it hard to walk or even stand. A friend of mine brought me home. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him, I didn't feel like I would have made it alone and no one else was ready to leave yet. This is the point where that invisible line between them and me became obvious again, I guess. This friend is actually new but still a big aid as I feel like I can talk to him about some things others will not understand as he underwent comparable  serious medical conditions. I am really thankful that he turned up this last month in my life. Sometimes somebody to talk to in person is just all you need. 

So this is the next good thing: him. You know how it is sometimes hard to see the good things in life when it seems so hard and you feel like you can hardly endure one more day? It is so depressing and even though I am trying to be positive about everything, oh you know this isn't just as easy as it sounds. Depression and anxiety, widely loved side effects of IBD. And you really can't talk to people about this. Again, depressing. Just talking to him made everything seem possible again. Sounds cheesy, I know but I don't mean to be cheesy, it's just the truth. And he said something really important as well which made more conscious about eventual future relationships. Remember that guy I met and would go out with for a couple of times? I told him about my UC. And he left. We haven't had any contact since. And it was depressing. It increased my doubts about the possibility to find a partner who is willing to cope with this, sometimes I believe I will need this person more than he will need me. This horrifies me. And then this friend brought something very important up: Maybe it was my UC that made him run away in the first place but that guy was a dork anyway. If it wasn't for Horst he would have left me later anyway for another reason. So good thing things haven't gotten too intense by then. Still it hurt. But this is the message I guess. All of us deserve someone that loves us as much as we love him or her and who cares about us as much as we do for them. This isn't changed by any circumstance, especially not by a disease like Horst. If only that friend knew. 

However Horst is done with taking his siesta and back to the game. I wasn't really able to see my GI about this so far, but I got new medication from his office. Bleedings are back, nausea is really bad (I really start to dislike food at this point as I keep throwing it up) aaand the pain. Well, I'm gonna go and get my heating pad. Let's see where this will take us. (oh and I promise to not let this silence on the airwaves occur another time). I'll keep you updated xx 

My first 8k

Um I guess the headline already indicated a lot but guys I'm so excited I made 8k yesterday! uargh!

this was last thursday, soo slow but still close to 6k!

not much faster, but 8k! Whoop!

On thursday morning I already got really close to my 6k aim and finally - I don't know how - I got the 8k. (I know some people won't be able to understand my excitement about these 8k, but try to run 8k when your gut feels like somebody is trying to light a fire and you're only able to even move because of pain killer)

I'm so happy I'm finally feeling better (even though this has only been a really short amount of time of feeling numb, dizzy, sleepy and all of that) and it makes me even happier to see my own progress not only in running but in handling my illness. Everyday is better than the day before. I only have been diagnosed for about two months now but I already realized so many beautiful things Horst taught me: Never let your happiness be controlled by something you can't control. This advise isn't always easy - trust me, I for sure know it isn't at all - but it is so important. Do yourself a favor and try to smile more often, a smile might light up your whole day. And of course don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace, they will never know how you feel exactly. You should know what's best for you, not them, nobody does know you better than you do (well in my case with the exception of my best friend). Most of the time people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to, it's not for them. It's yours. Only yours. 

Back to the Game

Horst's unpredictability really starts to wear me out. Don't get me wrong on this. I'm not complaining. Not at all actually because today I felt so much better than yesterday. So surprising turn into the right direction for the first time. Drum roll!

proudly wearing purple

So I decided to go for a short 5k run this morning. Well short needs to be redefined in this case, at least for me. Felt more like a marathon. At least to me. Not so much for my friend who was so nice to accompany me. He kept telling me this was rather a walk than a run, but duh, i leaped the 5k hurdle today! 

Also I started wearing my IBD/Colon Cancer Ribbon when I'm going for a run. It's weird, I mean I know I'm still running on my own, or like today, trying to make up the leeway between me and my running partner. Anyway, wearing my ribbon draws me back to those people suffering the day I'm able to go out for a run. So this one is for you. Also, I learned to be proud of Horst. I'm not going to hide him or anything, he makes me to who I am and hopefully brings me towards being a better person. Maybe even tomorrow. Oh and today is May 1st, and this means IBD Awareness Month starts today in Australia. I think it's so good to know they even have a whole month for raising awareness for IBD and other invisible illnesses. Raising awareness is so important, especially to us people affected. This is also why I am so so excited for May, 19th which is World IBD Day. So be sure     to get pumped for that one, go out, wear purple and help spreading awareness! 

I also have had amazing food today, yes guys, back to the game, back to my unconditional love for food! This is also why I decided to have a new section on my blog about Horst's Favorite Recipes talking about my favorite recipes when it comes to food which me and Horst like. Yes, they actually do exist! So I'm going to work on that in the near future. So just some pictures of awesome food for closing tonight, sleep well my honey wells! (certainly being in a good mood due to a surprisingly good day)

Mango-Banana-Smoothie

Selfmade Tomato-Bruschetta

Struggling

I still feel like people don't understand. I couldn't find any sleep last night either, so I missed my first lecture at University this morning. But then I pulled myself together in order to at least attend the math tutorial. Needlessly to say that this was a bad idea, I can't even remember a thing that was said, I'm just feeling way too dizzy. Only comment today I got was "oh you look sad", well yeah I thought you realized I was dealing with a big amount of pain last night when we had a conversation. Just because I pull myself together, wear make up, trying to look fine, doesn't mean I'm fine. I love how open Kelly is in this video about the times a person with an invisible illness is struggling. I'm so sorry she went through this but at the same time this video yields hope to me. And the feeling of not being alone with this. Goodnight people, I need to catch up on some sleep.